I never wanted to go to college because I just never liked school.
I love to learn, but just not the whole school thing if that makes sense,
but I did go from high school, and I would have done well if I just handed
in all the work I did.
I literally did all my work but I didn’t want to be there so bad that I didn’t
care if I handed any of it in so I would either not go, or just end up forgetting
it at home. Make sense? No, I know, but that’s the stoy I tell myself.
I originally went to college because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do
because that’s just what everyone told me and that’s what most of my friends
did after high school. I was told that it would be different and that I would
like it but it didn’t make a difference to me, it was still school with teachers.
I think a lot of the reason I didn’t like college though was because I didn’t know
what to go for so I had nothing to be excited about.
It was just like going back to highschool.
I can go back now (since I had the baby) but I still don’t know what I want to do and
also I wonder how I can make it happen now that I am independent of my parents and have
a baby, everything is more difficult in the position I’m in, as I knew it would be.
Public assistance is something that I thought would be of help to me.
I thought it would help me get on my feet and be on my own, but in the state of New Jersey
if you’re going to college, you get no help if you have a baby, only if you’re unemployed
and have no income and are not going to college.
If you’re on your feet even just a tiny bit before you go for assistance, they wont help
at all and I don’t want to be not on my feet on my own, so I had to decline that help.
I’m very thankful that I have a roof over my head and the ability to work and the help
that I do have like the help I get from my family and obviously my boyfriend (Lilly’s
father) and his income that adds to mine, but my options, like going on a vacation, getting
an apartment with my boyfriend Erik, and even just shopping for a new tank top are very slim.
I know I’ve made the choices that has me exactly where I am, and that because of them there are only
a few doors that can be opened at the moment for me.
That’s why am doing this.
My mother always says, “Doing nothing gets you nowhere.” and so here I am, doing something.
Blogging, trying to figure out what I should do and be.
Life is hard, which is not bad. Anything worth getting is not easy. Learning a language,
becoming a dancer, a piano player, a bodybuilder, anything worth getting for yourself is
always going to start off hard, I don’t mind hard. I don’t mind working and doing. I
do mind not knowing what to do though, and so here I am doing something but kind of nothing
all the at the same time.