School, and what to do?

I never wanted to go to college because I just never liked school.

I love to learn, but just not the whole school thing if that makes sense,
but I did go from high school, and I would have done well if I just handed
in all the work I did.

I literally did all my work but I didn’t want to be there so bad that I didn’t
care if I handed any of it in so I would either not go, or just end up forgetting
it at home. Make sense? No, I know, but that’s the stoy I tell myself.

I originally went to college because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do
because that’s just what everyone told me and that’s what most of my friends
did after high school. I was told that it would be different and that I would
like it but it didn’t make a difference to me, it was still school with teachers.

I think a lot of the reason I didn’t like college though was because I didn’t know
what to go for so I had nothing to be excited about.

It was just like going back to highschool.

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I can go back now (since I had the baby) but I still don’t know what I want to do and
also I wonder how I can make it happen now that I am independent of my parents and have
a baby, everything is more difficult in the position I’m in, as I knew it would be.

Public assistance is something that I thought would be of help to me.

I thought it would help me get on my feet and be on my own, but in the state of New Jersey
if you’re going to college, you get no help if you have a baby, only if you’re unemployed
and have no income and are not going to college.

If you’re on your feet even just a tiny bit before you go for assistance, they wont help
at all and I don’t want to be not on my feet on my own, so I had to decline that help.

I’m very thankful that I have a roof over my head and the ability to work and the help
that I do have like the help I get from my family and obviously my boyfriend (Lilly’s
father) and his income that adds to mine, but my options, like going on a vacation, getting
an apartment with my boyfriend Erik, and even just shopping for a new tank top are very slim.

I know I’ve made the choices that has me exactly where I am, and that because of them there are only
a few doors that can be opened at the moment for me.

That’s why am doing this.

My mother always says, “Doing nothing gets you nowhere.” and so here I am, doing something.
Blogging, trying to figure out what I should do and be.

Life is hard, which is not bad. Anything worth getting is not easy. Learning a language,
becoming a dancer, a piano player, a bodybuilder, anything worth getting for yourself is
always going to start off hard, I don’t mind hard. I don’t mind working and doing. I
do mind not knowing what to do though, and so here I am doing something but kind of nothing
all the at the same time.

emillilly pic her

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Lyra - 09/28/2015 Reply

Emily, Your feelings about school are not crazy or uncommon. And your Mom is right, action is a necessity. You’re putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself to figure out what you “want to do or be”. It’s not that easy for most people. You already know you’re a Mom, and a young woman. Start there. The more you”do” the greater opportunities for the universe to present to you your gifts, and help you decide what else you want to “do or be.” Practice gratitude. It will help! And you are stronger than you know!

Vitina connolly - 09/28/2015 Reply

I remember advice I got from pop pop and your grandmother. If you do something you love and get paid for it, it doesnt seem like work at all, that is a true gift. What is your passion? First of all God blessed you with a gift of art, you could go in that field. Also, you have a sense of originality & style, can go into that type of field. And I think you would be a beautiful model, your mother told me you are not tall enough, but I don’t think the industry judges you on your height as much as they did years ago, there are also all types of models, hair, face, hands, legs , catalogs, etc. what ever you like best to do just might be your answer, or hey, you can be a stage Mother & Lilly seems to like to gave her picture taken, maybe she could be your little model. Ask God to help you find your answers. ❤️

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