I got pregnant when I was 19.
When I found out, me and my boyfriend were going through a shaky weird time like every teenage relationship goes through I guess.
We were both sooooooo young and always wanted to be at the next party. So when we found out, we weren't exactly thrilled.
Now we are happy and living together with our daughter Lilly and dog Kobe, but the start of our relationship was a little cray cray.
I wasn’t excited at all and honestly, barely felt any emotion. I wasn’t scared to be a mom, I wasn’t excited to be a mom, nothing about knowing there was a baby on the way made me feel any particular way.
It was kind of like... ok this is happening, so I’m gonna just do it! The only time I felt anything was when I had to tell my mom... and what I was feeling was ashamed.
I felt ashamed knowing that she and my father would be disappointed in me. That’s the only thing I cared about.... their disappointment.
When it came time to tell my mom, (which I didn’t even do. I had my friend Eileen text her for me but that’s a story for another day) she was very supportive. As was the rest of my family which made everything 1000000 times easier. But still, I wasn’t excited for it to be happening and again, not because I was nervous or scared, I just didn’t feel anything about it.
After I had Lilly it was sort of the same thing for a little while. I wasn’t depressed and it wasn’t postpartum, I just simply didn’t feel the excitement that you see every new mother have in every movie or on social media.
I knew I loved her! I just didn’t share that overbarring excitement you think you’re supposed to have. I just felt love and determination to take care of this new human that was now mine, if that makes sense.
After a while of getting to know her and caring for her everyday I started to feel excited waking up to her every morning and doing new things with her. But the whole beginning of the journey, because I didn’t share the same emotional experience as most new mommy’s do, or say they do, made me feel so bad about it.
I remember asking my mom “is it normal for me to anticipate her next nap as soon as she wakes up from one?” And that is sooooooo normal!!!!! But I used to think it was just me being a bad person and mother because I wasn’t having “the proper mommy experience”.
I would think... “She knows!" "She has to have felt it!" "Lilly doesn’t think I actually love her now.” “I was a bad mom because of how I felt in the beginning” and just a bunch of other unnecessary bullshit that just wasn’t true.
It made me feel sooooo guilty everyday.
But I now see and realize it’s okay!!!!!! What-freaking-ever!!!!!
I KNOW I love Lilly and she knows that too!! Even though I wasn’t “excited” like I thought I was supposed to be, I still cared for her and loved her and catered to her every need. I still gave her kisses, I always made sure she was happy and I woke up at night to feed her every single time she woke up.
I would sleep with the freaking vacuum on all night some nights because that’s the only way she would sleep for goodness sakes!! If that isn't love, I don't know what is?!?!
I needed to get over my own drama I was making up in my head and stop allowing it effect me 4 years later.
I’m telling you this because this might be something you need to hear...
It is okay.
You’re not a monster. There's nothing wrong with you. Stop beating yourself up over something that you can’t change and live your life how it is TODAY. We all experience different shit and we all feel (or don’t feel) differently.
I do plan on having another baby 100%!!!!! I looooove and I want a bunch of babies!!!!! Although I do hope I feel something during the next pregnancy, but if I don’t, it’s okay. I’m still my baby’s mommy and I’m still going to take care and love it so much, unconditionally.
Today I am extremely excited to be a mommy and love watching Lilly grow up. I wouldn't have my life any other way. And I actually mean that!!!! Lol
She's the greatest thing that is in this whole world and SHE'S MINE!!!! So crazy and amazing!!!!!!
In the end, I am so grateful for the family that we made.
Leave a comment and tell me what you think! If you need any help or want to talk about being a young parent, send me an email! firstname.lastname@example.org.
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Thank you for reading!!!!
Love, Emily & Lilly 🙂